How to Lead Through Conflict Without Losing Trust
By Karl Pister, PCC
Let’s be honest. No one gets into leadership because they love conflict. But I’ve never met a great leader who didn’t learn how to face it well.
Most of the time, what I do to get things moving between two people is to sit with them and help them with THEIR story. Their view of the situation. Their view of the damage. Their view of the possibility of moving forward. Not a lot of my talking. A lot of their talking.
My job wasn’t to fix them. It was to get them talking.
That’s the thing about conflict: the real work isn’t about solving every issue. It’s about opening up communication, reducing defensiveness, and helping people feel seen.
The Myth of “Resolving” Conflict
Most people I work with want to resolve conflict, and that’s a good instinct. But what they often mean is: “I want it to go away.”
Here’s the truth: conflict doesn’t need to go away. It needs to become useful.
In high-performing teams, conflict is inevitable and necessary. If no one ever disagrees, chances are people aren’t saying what they really think. Productive conflict brings out better thinking, deeper clarity, and stronger relationships if we know how to navigate it.
The Three Conflicts Leaders Must Learn to Manage
In most organizations, conflict shows up in three forms:
1. Task Conflict
This is the “what” of the work. How we do something, what gets prioritized, who owns what. It’s usually the easiest to solve because it’s concrete.
2. Relationship Conflict
This is personal. Tension around tone, assumptions, style, or personality. Left unchecked, it poisons trust.
3. Values Conflict
This goes deep. It’s about identity, beliefs, and core motivations. These don’t get “solved”, they get understood.
Leaders don’t have to mediate every issue. But they do need to know which type of conflict is playing out and respond accordingly.
What Most Leaders Miss
Here’s the pattern I see over and over:
A team member raises an issue.
The leader tries to fix it fast.
It doesn’t really get fixed.
Frustration grows under the surface.
Most of the time, we don’t need fast fixes. We need space: space to be heard, to be understood, to feel like the other person is actually listening.
In mediation, I often ask two questions:
“What’s the story you’re telling yourself about this situation?”
“What would resolution look like, not just for the issue, but for the relationship?”
The first one slows people down. The second one shifts their focus from the problem to the people.
Mediation Isn’t a Magic Wand, It’s a Mirror
I’m often brought in to mediate when things feel like they’re falling apart. But the most powerful mediations I’ve seen aren’t about “fixing” anything. They’re about surfacing what’s real.
And that takes courage.
In reading William Ury’s amazing book, Possible, he talks about a situation where he was screamed at by a South American dictator for over half an hour. He was so very tempted to respond back with the same level of emotion. However, he held his tongue and let the other person let the emotions out. Once that was done, the person stepped back, looked at him, and asked what they should do next. While I am not saying that we should always let people scream at us, it is one of my favorite examples of getting down to what the real issues are.
If Ury had cut the person off, he would not have opened the door that the person allowed to be opened once he knew that Ury was fully in the game.
It’s amazing what happens when people start hearing what’s behind the silence. And it’s even more amazing what happens when they say: “I didn’t know that’s how it landed. I’m sorry.”
That’s not a weakness. That’s leadership.
What Leaders Can Do Tomorrow
If you're leading a team, here’s what I’d encourage you to try:
Get curious before you get furious. If someone’s behavior frustrates you, ask yourself: What might be going on underneath?
Normalize conflict. Say it out loud: “We’re going to disagree sometimes. That’s healthy. What matters is how we handle it.”
Use “I” statements. Not “You never listen,” but “I feel like I’m not being heard.” That’s where resolution begins.
Call in a third party early. Mediation isn’t a last resort. It’s a leadership tool. If you feel stuck, bring in someone trained to help.
Model repair. Apologize. Own your part. It doesn’t make you less respected, it makes you more trusted.
At the end of the day, the best leaders aren’t the ones who avoid conflict. They’re the ones who use it to learn more, lead better, and build trust that lasts.
Conflict is not the enemy. Avoidance is.
And when you learn how to step into hard conversations with clarity, humility, and skill, that’s when real leadership begins.
